I'll Be Seeing You ...

Fiddling with a stray thread on the bottom of my shirt, I stared at the floor.  Wasn't sure just how the events that had recently unfolded in my life led me here.  It had seemed so simple long ago.  But now the jaded envelope of life enclosed around me stealing and sealing my fate.  At a friend's suggestion I trudged myself here, but I was uneasy, unsteady and definitely not prepared for what my mind was screaming, "This is a mistake!!"  Without thought, I flipped open a magazine that had been tossed in the empty seat beside me.  With familiar disappointment, I quickly scanned the ad nauseum ads, stories that held no interest, and worthless subscriptions vying for the opportunity to glue themselves to my wallet.

A song drifted out into the reception area that arrested me into rapt attention.  Bing Crosby crooned and carassed the song as if he and the hearer were the only ones in the room.  I closed my eyes and remembered when I heard it last.  The stone of remembrance sank in the well of my heart and its ripples caused memories to flood my heart.

I'll be seeing you in all the old familiar places
That this heart of mine embraces all day through
In that small café, the park across the way
The children's carousel, the chestnut trees, the wishing well

It hadn't been all that long ago he and I had shared that sweet embrace, the kiss of forever, two lovers who can speak the private, unspoken language of a wink, a look, and a touch. 

I'll be seeing you in every lovely summer's day
In everything that's light and gay
I'll always think of you that way
I'll find you in the mornin' sun
And when the night is new


I thought I had said goodbye that morning.  Did I?  Didn't I?  Or what if I would have ... with a sigh of defeated resignation I had to tell myself I didn't remember.  But when the policemen came to my door and the the world reeled at the news of a love lost forever, the axis of life shifted and I tumbled from reality into a place of shock.  Everything after spiraled.  Snippets and snapshots of life fanned before me as my soul reminded me of events that left me shattered not only because of the loss of David, but at the times when I hadn't been my best, lashed out at others or let the bruising of life cause deep gashes of shame, anger, resentment and unforgiveness unattended to and like the Samaritan story from the Bible, I had been left for dead, as it were, another of life's casualties that didn't make it in success.  I'd tried chasing after this and that.  Gotten good at it, too.  But in the end, it didn't make me truly happy.  Not the things.  Not the money (or the lack of it).  Not the new person in my life.  Nothing.  After all, I thought I was a good person.  Things just didn't happen like this to good people, did it?  I mean, is it really -- 


"Jennifer Lassen?"  


I lifted my head quickly, shaking worn-out cycled thoughts of fatigued depression, guilt, and anxiousness.  "Yes, I -- I'm here."  Rising from my chair the ashes of my thoughts tumbled and  littered where I had sat.  "Your mind is working overtime.  Get it together, Jennifer," I mumbled to myself.  


The assistant had a broad smile on her face as if I was the only person in the room.  Didn't really believe that.  It's part of her job, I reasoned.  Part of the routine.  Part of the price of peace.  A farcical play of pretense.  I played along putting on my good-to-see-you-too routine so I wouldn't lose face.  Silly, wasn't it.  But pleasantries and niceties are currency of relationships and the reciprocating price is low comparatively no matter if given with genuineness or not.  I acquiesced to being nice myself. 

The room was inviting lacking the usual sterile environs that accompanied a visit of this sort.  She led me to a surprisingly comfortable chair while handing me a steaming cup that held my favorite tea.  "Wow, this is great," I said with thankfulness.   The chair surrounded me in warmth as did the liquid that passed my lips warding off the chill trying to recirculate doom and gloom in the rooms of my heart. 


The assistant closed my file and placed it in a holder on the wall.  "He'll be in in just a moment."  She turned and left the room leaving me to thoughts that echoed off the walls, "What are you doing here, what are you doing here, what are you doing here?"  Sitting there I stared at all the items in the room that would hold either terror of mind or soothing of spirit depending upon your malady at the moment.  I looked for certificates or diplomas or something that would assuage my feelings of uncertainty about the qualifications of such a healer.  My friend had recommended him, but really and truly, what did I know of him?  Just what people had said and I had learned a long time ago, you can't trust what everybody says.  Don't let naivety be your guide.  I saw a yellowed and faded parchment in unfamiliar script encased in glass.  I immediately wanted to get up and inspect it to see if I could gain my insight about him.  This could be what held the clue.


But then the door opening interrupted those thoughts and he entered the room.  Not at all in a hurry, he looked at me and smiled a broad smile.  His face was riveting.  Eyes like fire that seemed to look all the way through me to the tag brand on my shirt.  He was tall, dark -- and quite frankly, handsome to a undefinable fault.  He sat down across from me and paused as if he had something he really wanted to say, almost like I didn't need to tell him anything and that he knew everything.  


"Life has been a bit rough, hasn't it?"  He took my hand.  His touch was full of compassion and his attentiveness to me was without guile in any form, not beguiling or intrusive.  Truly with mercy and peace.  I couldn't quite explain it now and probably thinking back I never will.  It was one of those moments of lucidity when everything comes into focus and the path to alignment is not all that far away.  


In that moment, I couldn't help it.  There was no way to stop it.  I had thought before I got here, I'm going to definitely have the "upper hand" in this conversation.  I would get what I could from the professional to stop the bleeding of life.  I would tell him what I needed in a no-nonsense manner.  But here in this simplistic moment where love reigned as king through the one who gave it, the emotions collided with my stubborn will.  I could not speak.  Tears flowed unchecked, streaming hot down my cheeks.


"People have treated you with gross injustice, haven't they?  There also have been moments that were complicit where you have said and done things you wished you could take back,  but knew as soon as they were released that would never happen.  It's a bruising of soul, a destruction, something you cannot redeem.  Only I can do that.  I died just for you so that you can be healed body, soul and spirit."  


My head was nodding up and down in short quick affirmations.  The things that he went on to say laid out all that had been done to me and from me.  Nothing I could dodge or ameliorate, contest or feign ambivalence.  All was wide open.  


He placed his hand on my heart and said with all kindness and love, "Your heart is beautiful to me.  I have been trying to win your heart for myself for a very long time.  The home of your heart has been defaced with graffiti laced with vehement angst against you.  I love you so very much.  If you would give your heart to me, I will make it a manor, a place of beauty where my name is forever etched with a diamond nib dipped with my very own blood." 


In that instant I knew where my future was cast.  It wasn't in the shallowness of cardboard religion, the enticement of the world's unending parties or political agendas, not even in the on-and-off-again relationships -- but one on one with this man of strength, power and kingship.  The Lord. The Messiah.  King Jesus Himself, the Healer, the Bread of Life, the Lover of my soul. 

He calmly wrote the prescription for me.  Immediate prescription was Acts 16:31.  

"Believe in the Lord Jesus Christ, give yourself up to Him, take yourself out of your own keeping and entrust yourself into His keeping and you will be saved, and this applies both to] you and your household as well."


"You'll need this prescription as well," he said with a wink.  "Take it PRN (as needed) and all will be well."  He handed me the second slip and my eyes scanned what he had written.


"Psalm 23 and 91 1X day. Psa. 51 and John 14:13 PRN."  

"Thank you," I said with true thankfulness of heart.  He embraced me with affirming love that it took my breath away.  


"Remember my words.  I'm never far away.  I will help you in everything.  I will strengthen you when the day is long.  I will cause you to run and walk and be and do with confidence as never before.  Just whisper My Name.  I'm there."  


As I climbed into my car to go home I realize the Healer for all of His incomparable credentials and skill had applied to my spirit, soul and body a completeness of health, a wholeness unparalleled, a redemption of spirit that no one or nothing else could touch.  He, Himself.  By Himself.  Alone.  My mind had been renewed, my spirit reborn, my soul divested of the bruisings of life.  Suddenly I realized that the words he spoke so long ago to others is just as true today, riveting and replete with fresh-born power as the day He gave it.  He says it now.  Listen.  Listen to the wind words of the Spirit.  They're blowing.  Do you hear it?  Do you sense it?  It's not at the end of the road, the end of power or days stripped of validity.  These days are the days of fulfillment. 



"DO NOT let your hearts be troubled (distressed, agitated). You believe in and adhere to and trust in and rely on God; believe in and adhere to and trust in and rely also on Me.

    In My Father's house there are many dwelling places (homes). If it were not so, I would have told you; for I am going away to prepare a place for you.

    And when (if) I go and make ready a place for you, I will come back again and will take you to Myself, that where I am you may be also."  (John 14:1-3)

I pulled into my driveway sensing the peace that had flooded and ignited my soul.  What a God, what a Savior, what a King!  I was totally smitten.  There are those that scoff at the beauty of God.  I've heard their squalor and squawking at a God that is so entrenched in love for them that they cannot understand, always inaccurately comparing earth with heaven, the inveterate palaces of the King.   I'm hoping I can insert through a fingernail breadth left open of a heart untouched for others to see the gorgeousness of the Lord.  Opening my car door and standing erect I looked heavenward and suddenly the strands of the song took an even greater depth that I just knew the writers never envisioned.

I'll find you in the mornin' sun
And when the night is new
I'll be looking at the moon
But I'll be seeing you



If you know God, I encourage you to go deeper, go higher, go wider in your intimacy with Him.  

If you've never known him and want to, it's really very, very simple.  Just open up your heart and talk to Him.  Tell Him what you want.  Sit down in His office and let Him hold your hand, wipe away your tears, and make you brand new.  He'll do just that.  No one need check your baggage or have you jump through hoops of rules and regulations.  He'll save you.  No questions asked.

And if you're resistant and think, oh, what a bunch of hooey baloney, all I'm saying is this:  Just think about it.  Think about it without all the lashings of current popular thought that Christianity is a crutch, a doctrine of sissies, and an unforgiving, intolerant group full of pride.  You know what?  Some of them may be that. I say that with sorrow.  And if some so-called Christian has really hurt you, let me be the first to say, I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for the wounding.  But truly, who they are isn't what God is.  Bottom line:  God is love.  Full of mercy (who doesn't need that?), compassionate (we all need that from time to time), and brings peace (where in the world IS that??).  There are those who stick their heads in the sand and think the world doesn't need peace, grabbing instead for chaotic reformation laced with unspeakable violence and death.  


I'm just saying ... think about it.  All by yourself.  Alone.  With eyes and heart wide open.  What and Who you see just might surprise you.